Witze in Englisch

[GrizzlyPaul]

"Fords and Women"

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, ''Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.'' Ford thinks to himself about it, and says, ''I want to hang out with God Himself.''



The befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, ''When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?'' God asks, ''What do you mean?'' ''Well,'' says Ford, ''You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly need repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. fuel consumption is outrageous.



...just to name a few.'' ''Hmmm ...,'' replies God, ''Hold on a minute.'' God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, ''It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[ 17. Februar 2003: Beitrag editiert von: GrizzlyPaul ]

 

[Bruno]

*heul*

Bitte, bitte mit Tafel 150

Hund möchte mitlachen.

 

[GrizzlyPaul]

Oh Poor Mr. Gates



Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95.

I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."

So first, Bill went to visit Hell. It was a beautiful, clean sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.



Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.



Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment. "This is awful. This is not at all what I expected. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God smiled and said, "That was the screen saver."

 

[Benchrest]

Hi Paul!

Beste Witze, die ich seit langem gelesen habe.

Benchrest

 

[anonym]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">Zitat:</font><HR>Original erstellt von GrizzlyPaul:
God smiled and said, "That was the screen saver."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

No.

The demo version.

Carcano

 

[rolfsc]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">Zitat:</font><HR>Original erstellt von carcano:


No.

The demo version.

Carcano<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
expiry date: jesterday!

rolf

 

[rolfsc]

Order of a german in an english pub: "I want some bloody steak"
Reply of the waiter: "Do you also want some dirty potatoes?"


rolf

 

[rolfsc]

Mal was für unsere jüngeren Forumsnutzer:

Approximately ten excuses for not doing homework:


I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
I couldn't figure out whether I am the square of negative one or I am the square root of negative one.
I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee, and then I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.


rolf

 

[GrizzlyPaul]

"Italienisches Englisch"

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel.
Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast.

I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast.
She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I want two piss.
She say go to the toilet.
I say, you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate.
She say, you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.
I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant.
The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock.
I tella her I wanna fock.
She tell me everyone wanna fock.
I tell her you no understand.
I wanna fock on the table.
She say, you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no sheets onna my bed.
Call the manager and tella him I wanna sheet.
He tell me to go to toilet.
I say you no understand. I wanna sheet on my bed.
He say you better not sheet onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you".
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy...

[ 01. M

 

[GrizzlyPaul]

Where's the technology?

An American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left baby finger to his mouth and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks at the other two and says "Oh, that's the latest American technology in cell phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my baby finger and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?"

They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. "A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna is inserted in my spine. Ah the wonders of German know-how!"

At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese fellow disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each other and then walk over and peek into the bushes. In the middle of the bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting with his pants down around his ankles.

"What on earth are you doing?!" asks the American.

The Japanese fellow looks up and replies "Waiting for a fax!"

 

[GrizzlyPaul]

New company program!

I wanted to share with you a new program the company I work for is
instituting. It is called 'Special High Intensity Training'. Here is
the memo we received:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well
trained, through our program of Special High Intensity Training
(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than
anyone else does.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of
the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing
that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who do not take
their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation
Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.
seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T.
S.H.I.T.). Since your managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted,
they do not have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, because they are full of
S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job, training
others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List
(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get
S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity
Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have any questions, please direct
them to our Head Of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.
S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

Boss In General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

 

[rolfsc]

mit errötendem gruß
rolf

 

[kwagga]

Hier was für ein paar Zielübungen...
http://www.fun.from.hell.pl/2003-02-24/j20.swf

Mit konzentrierendem Gruss

Kwagga

[ 06. M

 

[anonym]

Habe erst jetzt das italienische Englisch und das New Company Program gelesen. Tränen gelacht. Herrlich.

[ 06. M

 

[GrizzlyPaul]

Manchmal erwischt es eben auch Anwaelte!


Great Lawyer Story


The following is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest...

A Charlotte, N.C., lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason -- that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued....and won!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be an "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."


NOW FOR THE BEST PART:
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.